The Assassin's Bible
by Cavalyn
Summary: Someone asked for it, I got bored, and revision is hard. I dont know how good it is, but it's easy and painless. Ill try to make it Funnier.
1. Intro

**_I AM IN COLLEGE! These exams are my A-level examainations at the end of my 2 years at college. After this, if i get the grades, which i should. I will go to University. lol, i hope people have got that. And no, im still revising, this is just made because its so short and easy to do, and it reminds people im not abandoning them.

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**The Assassin's Bible.**

**_Also known as, Guidebook for killing, cut-throats almenac, and Killing people for dummies. Updated as I see fit, and quite randomly._**

This shall follow a patern. Three entries, then some What if's.

Some entries may be from Children of the Night.

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Entry 1 -_ A Good Plan Ensures a Good Job. A Bad Plan Ensures A Severe Headache and a Lack Of Certain Privileges. Breathing for Example._

Entry 2 - _What to Do With People who Won't Die... Avoid Them, Or Better Yet Don't Be on the Opposite Side From Them. _Good for all beings supernatural or just plain stubborn. In fact a wise assassin who wants to live should be everyone's ally. Or not be an assassin.

Entry 3 - _An Assassin must make SOME ruckus. After all, how does one hire an Assassin if he is never heard? _Many amatures make the mistake of remaining completely undetected, if you do so... how do people know to hire you? Think about it...

4 Ways to avoid being killed if you're an Assassin.

-Carry a gun.

-Look vulnerable

-Carry ANOTHER gun

-Try not to cower and close your eyes as you shoot...

4 Things not to do if you're a goon.

-Carry a gun

-SEE the assassin

-Intercept the Assassin

-Lean close to a wounded assassin, odds are s/he is not THAT wounded... (Kind of like a wounded wild animal, you wouldnt stick your face close to a lion, so why do it to an armed person?)

Handy Tips

Avoid open spaces

Avoid closed spaces

Avoid spaces

Do NOT develop an obsession for your partner or childhood friend, especially if s/he is a very dangerous assassin as well.

Avoid people with magenta hair, you'd think that would be a warning really... but noooo, i think ill trust the person with bright magenta hair? Geez...

What to do if:

_My client betrays me; _- Simple really, you complete the job, then kill the client, then steal all his money

_People keep claiming me as a life long enemy after witnessing me kill his/her family; _- You left survivors?

_I keep feeling really guilty, and just HORRIBLE after i kill people...;_ - Multiple solutions, get a nicer job, OR develop a split personality which is a psyhopath, then you can control it and claim you are doing the world good. See Rurouni Kenshin for more details on controlling a murderous personality.

_Every time I open the fridge a huge purple monster jumps out and attacks me; _- Refrain from drinking alcohol and watching Barney the dinosaur at the same time.

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**_Thats it for today. Any suggestions are welcomed._**


	2. Should I be an Assassin?

_**Okay i fail to give credit where it is due. Fan-rei asked for this and suggested it, credit to her for actually taking notice of the Assassins bible in Children of the night... sniff... no one else mentioned it... cries LOVE YOU FAN-REI!**_

_**And for this idea, is assassination for you quiz, Thanks to Riya Tasogare, who was my source of inspiration.

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**_

A quick test to see if you are suitable to be an Assassin. Choose which option applies most to you!

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Question1. - Somebody hands you a gun, what happens?

a) You look at it nervously, not sure what you might be able to do with it if the situation arose.

b) Nod and keep it in your hand, one finger balanced over the safety, you're ready.

c) Fight to resist the urge to point it at the first moving object and blow it to smithereens.

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Question 2. - Someone knocks your gun from your hand but is also unarmed, What do you do?

a) Surrender, beg, try and run

b) Laugh and attack with your hands and teeth, his throat looks vulnerable!

c) Face him whilst absently looking for another weapon, a pipe maybe?

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Question 3. - An unarmed man is on the floor before you with a broken arm, his gun is a little distance away what do you do?

a) Shoot him once in the head, a quick death would be better.

b) Try and knock him out, a blow to the back of the head should work.

c) Shoot his libs off one by one.

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Question 4. - You are in a stand out, he is pointing his gun at you, and you to him. What do you do?

a) Squeeze the trigger immediately, he probably wont have the time to react

b) Remain in this gridlock

c) Commence with mind games to try and weaken his resolve and make him give up.

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Question 5. - Your target is crossing a bridge in his car, your scope is trained on him but you notice a young girl in the seat beside him, what do you do?

a) Wait until later. He has to leave the girl alone some time, then kill him then.

b) Shoot him in his car, maybe the girl will die in the accident, maybe she wont. He shouldnt be speeding anyway!

c) See if you can hit the engine. BOOM two kills in one shot, damn you're special. "DOUBLE KILL"

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Question 6. - What would you leave as your assassin signature.

a) Nothing, they might trace it and find you!

b) Something symbollic, maybe a red bandanna or just a card with an ambiguous name on it.

c) BLOOD EVERYWHERE! AND HEADS! NEED THE HEADS! And did i mention the blood?

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Question 7 - What do you say to the man you're about to kill.

a) BOOM HEADSHOT!

b) Say nothing, or maybe tell him sorry, its only a job, no hard feelings right?

c) Explain your plans for world domination.

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_**Alright, everyone fill this in, and give what you answered in a review, i will tailor an evaluation for each of you! Just do it in the format 1:a, 2:c, 3:a Etc...**_

_**And something on the end, you know usual review stuff pleassseee? I will write the evaluations of your skills as an ending on later chapters, so even if you read this much later on, answer and i can still give you a rating and some stuff. Im not just giving a rating obviously, ill be writing some humourous blurb and maybe some suggestions for you if you ever want to kill people for fun- i mean money...**_


	3. Psalms and Evaluations

_**Todays Bible, thanks to all who entered the quiz, keep it going if you want to enter, no time is too late. Im thinking of including a ranking system as well, where as i will assign ranks to those who take part in the tests, quizes and problems that need solving. Sound like fun? Here is a deal if you want it, the person who ranks highest at the end... and i have no idea how long that might be, will get a fic written, dedicated to them, a one-shot please, on ANY Noir topic they wish, any pairing, any genre. Of their choice. I'll do it as best as I can.

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Assassin's Bible Entry 4. - _The Most Important Thing to Remember When you are Travelling on a Ship of any kind, is That it is Always Far Better to Remain Above the Water, Than Below It.

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Assassin's Bible Entry 5. - _An Assassin Must Always Blend into the Environment Around Himself. And Whenever Such an Action is Not Possible, it is Best to Have Someone Around Who is More Obvious Than Yourself. _-Suggestions include any stupid sidekicks and any idiots your employer INSISTED come along...

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Assassin's Bible 6. - _When One Fails to Remain Inconspicuous, It Is Often the Case that One has Less fun than First Anticipated._ - In fact in such cases, one often has a downright miserable time! Remember the more you procrastinate, the more likely it is someone will find you.

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Five ways to Look Good as an Assassin.

1.Shades, tinted glasses, not only look good, but conceal your eye colour and your expression.

2.Refrain from Giggling. What you do is not really THAT funny, is it?

3.Classy guns. Oldies are NOT in. Always carry a sleek black beuaty, a Beretta is good for this. Revolvers are bad, slow reload time and crap looks. I mean who the Hell are you trying to be? Clint Eastwood?

4.If you can, use a hard to use weapon. Knives, martial arts, anything like that. Just remember it is better to be uncool but alive rather than cool and cold (dead).

5.Show no emotion, yes making them pee themselves first IS fun, I admit. But expressionless face of doom is sooo sexy!

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Necessary Tools.

1.Gun

2.Another gun, how many gun fights do you see where someone loses their gun and has to search for another weapon? Needless time being wasted, that could be solved by using common sense!

3.Alternative weapon, a knife or dagger. Avoid carefully hidden weapons, they may sound cool, but they're a bitch to get out!

4.Ammo. A good Assassin should need no more than four clips of ammo, though depending on the gun and capacity you may want to carry more. Sustained gunfights are not the way of an Assassin, if it takes more than eight shots to kill someone you are doing something wrong.

5.Escape vehicle. What? Oh sure, you're going to WALK away from the scene...

6.Medical Supplies. Despite belief formed by computer games one cannot carry sixteen health potions and a medi-kit into battle, and they will not heal wounds with a pretty tingling sound. Necessities are bandages and duct tape and a tourniquet. Ductape to keep the bandages tight. If a wound is deeper than these can cover, then run away to your escape vehicle, have more supplies there.

7.Assassin's Bible.

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Unnecessary Tools.

1.Sniper Rifle. What are the odds, REALLY, that you happen to be pointing it at one SPECIFIC window as your target passes by?

2.I-pod, or MP3 Player...

3.Handbag, sure it CAN conceal your gun... but for the lord's sake your trespassing! It's not like they will give you a chance to happily reach into your bag, flick the safety, draw it, aim, fire, is it?

4.A watch. It is not bad to have, but how screwed are you when the alarm you set to remind you to watch "Lost" last night, goes off?

5.Backpack. Your killing someone... its not a camping trip...

6.Any other form of Guide to Assassinating!

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Here in the Assassin's Bible shalt I provide a Psalm... this tale has a moral, and it is up to YOU to work it out... tell me, and I shall comment on your success... Thou Assassin's Rank shalt rise!

_Twas a calm yet cool night as the young Assassin lay hidden in a small cranny between two close buildings, dressed in dark grey he was hidden against the ground and in the dark shadows of the buildings, his form fitting with the shadows and not leaving the outline that pure black clothing would. His sniper rifle was held ready in his arms, pointing at the room he knew to be his target's. Not twenty paces away from his hiding place lay two dead patrol guards, killed less than ten minutes ago and carefully concealed in a gap underneath a small barracks room. The time was approaching twelve midnight and he was ready for when his target finished his time with his whore and came to his room to rest. _

_It was not to be however, for less than two minutes later the young assassin was overwhelmed and killed by two guards. If only he had read more of his Assassin's Bible. But alas.

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This is the psalm, find ye his mistakes and be enlightened. There be four Major Mistakes he made. But there may be more you can locate. For each two you find you shalt commence a rank. Finding and justifying others.. and I will consider them for rank increase.

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Finally the Evaluation for those who have completed the, Am I fit to be an Assassin, test so far.

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_**Skywiseskychan.**_ - If you want a score, it is 20, By my score system. Your evalutaion. You would make a very professional assassin, though maybe not one who would be the flashiest or the most recognised. You could make a fair bit of money with your quick decisions in harsh circumstances, never afraid to take the less "moral" way out if it means fewer risks, and rightly so, you're an Assassin not a patriot! A little bit more passion might make you more dangerous, but could also make you more predictable, at the moment all they can predict is that their death comes on silent wings. You Are fit to be an Assassin.

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_**Rei-Fan.**_ - Your score... 20! But by different routes. You act calm and almost bashful, but inside you have a very devious mind, with maybe even a psychotic streak? Hand this girl a gun and things go BOOM! Never afraid to make the harder choice and with a clean sense of what is moral ethics and what is business ethics. Deep inside it may hurt what you have to do to get the job done, but not enough to make you quit the job. She is also a true Disciple of the Assassin's Bible, she knws it well. Noticing the need for a calling card, as well as the need to look vulnerable in tough situations. Not to mention she carries another knife. Though in a fight between herself and Skywiseskychan we can never know who would be the more successful, if she continues to abide by the Bible her plans for world domination could come true. Fit to be an Assassin.

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_**Cabeloe**_. - You score 13. Though initially you seem to be a decent candidate, and hell, with your decisions you could still off a few important people. But let's stick to the little ones hmmm? Dont be so merciful, knocking out a guard is all well and good, but its not as easy as it sounds and a head wound has a good chance of either causing extreme damage or not knocking them out. Dont get close to them! Plus you need to consider leaving some form of calling card, who will hire you or even PAY you, if they dont know it was you who caused the kill? Be harsher if you want to be the best, protecting the young girl is fine but you know nothing about her, she could be a trained bodyguard or a person bent on terrorism, yotuh does not mean innocence or even harmless. As i say, stick to the simpler jobs my friend, one or two guards and a fat, ageing target. You are fit to be a minor Assassin, but if you dont stop playing happily with the dasies you might be pushing them up!

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_**Catwolf Witch Kyobi**_ - You scored 19.You would make a good Assassin, your emotions remain hidden and you know what has to be done to get the job done. You would be a reliable and loyal assassin to hire for a person's cause. Yet deep inside you find it hard to be truely evil... The girl crosssing the bridge, as said above, she could be anyone. Did I mention she might even have Magenta hair? You know what I've said about those types of people... she might be his daughter, sure, but she might also be a killer. You know, just your average purple haired killer with pale skin and strange fashion sense and a fetish for knives and small Japanese girls. Similarly mind games might allow you to spare that man in the face off, but doesnt it also show that you dont want to kill him? Dont give him any reason to have confidence, in reality, he probably cannot react fast enough. He would need time to realise your gun has fired, register it, get past his shock and sudden fear, aim and fire, whilst trying to dodge at the same time. Dodging, surprise, fear and aiming NEVER mix. He will either die or waste his shot, giving you a clear shot at him or a chance to make for cover. Still, you are within the skill range of an optimum assassin.

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**_Lol, this worked well, The optiumum Assassin range was 19-21, and most of you this day made it in, lol. If we are doing ranks, then Skywiseskychan and Rei-fan are rank 2 - Member Assassins, and Catwolf is a rank 1 -InitiateAssassin. Cabeloe... im afraid you didnt make the score this time. But you didnt deserve it anyway for saying I should die in that review! lol, besides you wont kill me, you know me, you'll just ignore me for a few days. Besides, I have some DVDs of his. REVIEW! And remember to answer the psalm._**


End file.
